The Good Life is Built with Good Relationship

I should have written this ahead of my April 2015 blog entry (emphasis was on how to rekindle damaged relationships) because this could have paved the way to truly understand why we should repair broken yet “worthy” relationships.  Nevertheless, I believe both entries can actually stand on their own individually.

The title of this article is taken from the last statement of psychiatrist Robert Waldinger during his talk over TEDTalks which is a daily video podcast of the best talks and performances from the TED Conference, where the world's leading thinkers and doers give the talk of their lives in 18 minutes (or less).

Robert  who happens to be the director of 75-year-old study on adult development  has unprecedented access to data on true happiness and satisfaction. He stressed that according to the study good relationships keep us healthier and happier.  The study further came up with 3 big lessons about relationships that I will try to connect to my own experience.

 

Lesson#1  Social connections are really good for us and loneliness kills.

About eight years ago when I was on the verge of my vertigo, I shut myself up inside the house for fear of having an attack outside if I continue to do my usual undertakings.  My regular routine for the whole day was either lying on my bed or sitting on the sofa while watching tv.  And I realized during those moments how lonely I was doing the same routine over and over again. 

There were moments when I wished my friends would be around so I could have people to talk to.  But they were all working and I was left with my neighborhood as my option.  But unfortunately, during that time I only had few people I knew inside the subdivision and they were also busy doing their things. 

And then finally, realizing I might lose my sanity over the huge amount of loneliness I felt, I decided to go home to my family in Surigao.  Over the whole course of my stay in Surigao, I realized how important it is to stay connected with our family and the friends we value most.

When I went back to Cebu, the first thing I did was to reach out for my neighbors and established new acquaintances which I must say helped me conquered my illness.

I find Robert Waldinger point very profound when he said: “It turns out that people who are more socially connected to family, to friends, to community, are happier, they're physically healthier, and they live longer than people who are less well connected. And the experience of loneliness turns out to be toxic.”

Lesson #2  It’s the quality of our relationships that matters.

The quality of every relationship we get into matters most.  Any relationship that makes a life less meaningful does not deserve to be pampered.  Every relationship must be value-adding and not the other way around.  If a bond proves to be toxic or is already trying to bring us down, the only way to go is to put an end to that relationship.  We cannot allow toxic connections to pull us down.  They consume too much of our energy and make us susceptible to illnesses.

In fact, Robert Waldinger highlighted the above contention when he said:” it's not whether or not you're in a committed relationship, but it's the quality of your close relationships that matters. It turns out that living in the midst of conflict is really bad for our health. High-conflict marriages, for example, without much affection, turn out to be very bad for our health, perhaps worse than getting divorced. And living in the midst of good, warm relationships is protective.”

In the 75-year-old study on adult development, Robert’s team found out that:  “The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80. And good, close relationships seem to buffer us from some of the slings and arrows of getting old. Our most happily partnered men and women reported, in their 80s, that on the days when they had more physical pain, their mood stayed just as happy. But the people who were in unhappy relationships, on the days when they reported more physical pain, it was magnified by more emotional pain.”

I have personally experienced friendships that were becoming noxious and so I had to end them right away.  But there were some, I have to admit, that were worth reconsidering. 

Lesson #3  Good relationships don’t just protect our bodies, they protect our brains too.

While we can truly agree that good relationships drive us away from potential illnesses, what they do to our brain astoundingly came as a surprise (at least to me).  They not just drive those cancer cells away but sharpen our memory cells as well.  This may seem a brilliant breakthrough for people afflicted with dementia or alzheimer's disease.  Anyway, we certainly cannot figure out exactly how valuable good relationships are to our brain but we can be certain that they truly contribute positive effects to that puzzling thing between our ears.

As far as lesson #3 is concerned, Robert Waldinger has this to say: “It turns out that being in a securely attached relationship to another person in your 80s is protective, that the people who are in relationships where they really feel they can count on the other person in times of need, those people's memories stay sharper longer. And the people in relationships where they feel they really can't count on the other one, those are the people who experience earlier memory decline. And those good relationships, they don't have to be smooth all the time. Some of our octogenarian couples could bicker with each other day in and day out, but as long as they felt that they could really count on the other when the going got tough, those arguments didn't take a toll on their memories.”

I’d like to end this post the way Robert Waldinger ended his speech with a quote from Mark Twain. 

                       "There isn't time, so brief is life, for bickerings, apologies, heartburnings, callings to                                account. There is only time for loving, and but an instant, so to speak, for that."

The Filipino Students of Today: Why are We so Different During our Time?

The most common question you will hear from teachers this day is this:  Why are students of today so different during our time?  This line of questioning carries with it a rather complex answer than we expected.  And while this article cannot guarantee to unlock that mystery, I hope this gives some leads to enlighten us from this issue.

Majority of our students have this difficulty to focus on the subject matter inside the classroom.  Some would either talk with their classmates while the teacher tries to articulate the lesson or  fall blank on their respective seats or  cannot sit still for the whole duration of the class.

There are quite a lot of factors we can consider-- family upbringing, family problems, social status, the teacher--, to name a few, that we feel play a great part on how students behave inside the classroom.  But I feel that behavioral patterns have something to do on how children develop certain skills during their younger age.  How they are able to prepare themselves during their childhood years might also be one factor that we need to consider.

Many studies suggest that certain skills that need to be developed at young age help a child achieve a more stable behavior on to the later years.

The amount of time for play during pre-school affects greatly to how a child develops his/her social and sensory needs.  In fact, Angela Hanscom, a pediatric occupational therapist in New England and author of a number of popular posts published in The Washington Post blog, articulated that parents need not put their children in a pre-school that is academic in nature.  Her personal experience of putting her kid in a pre-school that focuses on reading, writing, and math skills made her realize that her child grew up with social and sensory issues.

 In her post, she stressed that research continues to point out that young children learn best through meaningful play experiences and that it is through active free play outdoors that children start to develop many of the foundational life skills they need in order to be successful for years to come. 

She added: “In fact, it is before the age of 7 years — ages traditionally known as “pre-academic” — when children desperately need to have a multitude of whole-body sensory experiences on a daily basis in order to develop strong bodies and minds. This is best done outside where the senses are fully ignited and young bodies are challenged by the uneven and unpredictable, ever-changing terrain.”

She continued to say “Preschool years are not only optimal for children to learn through play, but also a critical developmental period. If children are not given enough natural movement and play experiences, they start their academic careers with a disadvantage. They are more likely to be clumsy, have difficulty paying attention, trouble controlling their emotions, utilize poor problem-solving methods, and demonstrate difficulties with social interactions. We are consistently seeing sensory, motor, and cognitive issues pop up more and more  in later childhood, partly because of inadequate opportunities to move and play at an early age.”

I find her point convincing because as compared to the children of today, our childhood years were far more enjoyable than theirs.  We had enough or even more than enough time to play.  We spent majority of our waking hours with our neighbors and friends. In other words we were not constrained to enjoy along with other people.  This is quite different in the present days because children now are more “individualistic” in terms of spending their play time.  That is of course with the advancement of technology when computer games and gadgets become their outlets of enjoyment.  Plus of course some other reasons behind.

We cannot claim as teachers that the omission of corporal punishment is the main reason why students today are more bizarre than we expected. Although that probably contributes at certain point, But we definitely cannot manipulate behavior of our students based on fear all through-out the school year. How the students behave or react inside the classroom should be a natural outcome that starts deep within themselves.  And this could probably mean intrinsic preparation that should take place in their early childhood years.

 As teachers, I believe we have a very long way to go in understanding the complexities of our students today.  But for now, until a major breakthrough on research will pinpoint answers and will lead to educational system enrichment, we can only broaden our understanding and develop more patience to fully embrace this enormous challenge that we face every school day.

Understanding Our Students

I was surfing the net to find any inspiration for my next blog entry and came across an article on  a teacher shadowing high school students.  With the intention of finding out what students really go through inside the classroom, Alexis Wiggins, a 15-year teaching veteran now working in a private American International School overseas followed two students for two days  -- a 10^th grader and a 12^th grader with the task of doing everything the student is  supposed to do. 

Following is the author’s findings on the journey he has taken for two days and his takeaway on the experience.  I also added my opinion based on my experience as a teacher.

Alexis’ key takeaway #1

Students sit all day, and sitting is exhausting.

I could not believe how tired I was after the first day. I literally sat down the entire day, except for walking to and from classes. We forget as teachers, because we are on our feet a lot – in front of the board, pacing as we speak, circling around the room to check on student work, sitting, standing, kneeling down to chat with a student as she works through a difficult problem…we move a lot.

But students move almost never. And never is exhausting. In every class for four long blocks, the expectation was for us to come in, take our seats, and sit down for the duration of the time. By the end of the day, I could not stop yawning and I was desperate to move or stretch. I couldn’t believe how alert my host student was, because it took a lot of conscious effort for me not to get up and start doing jumping jacks in the middle of Science just to keep my mind and body from slipping into oblivion after so many hours of sitting passively.

My takeaway (based on my observation during my classes)

I couldn’t agree less with the author. It is never easy to just sit down and commit one’s self to listening to the discussion of the teacher.  This is why at times, students tend to divert their boredom and exhaustion to talking with their seatmates, a scenario that we as teachers don’t understand because we are quick to conclude that such students are not interested at our discussion and are disturbing the focus of their classmates.

Alexis’ takeaway #2

High school students are sitting passively and listening during approximately 90 percent of their classes.

Obviously I was only shadowing for two days, but in follow-up interviews with both of my host students, they assured me that the classes I experienced were fairly typical.

In eight periods of high school classes, my host students rarely spoke. Sometimes it was because the teacher was lecturing; sometimes it was because another student was presenting; sometimes it was because another student was called to the board to solve a difficult equation; and sometimes it was because the period was spent taking a test. So, I don’t mean to imply critically that only the teachers droned on while students just sat and took notes. But still, hand in hand with takeaway #1 is this idea that most of the students’ day was spent passively absorbing information.

It was not just the sitting that was draining but that so much of the day was spent absorbing information but not often grappling with it.

I asked my tenth-grade host, Cindy, if she felt like she made important contributions to class or if, when she was absent, the class missed out on the benefit of her knowledge or contributions, and she laughed and said no.

I was struck by this takeaway in particular because it made me realize how little autonomy students have, how little of their learning they are directing or choosing. I felt especially bad about opportunities I had missed in the past in this regard.

My takeaway (based on my observation during my classes)

Our teaching strategy should be student-centered.  We are supposed to engage them in activities that do not only uncover their potentials but more importantly those that enable them to showcase their contributions to the learning process.  Yet, at times, we unconsciously focus on our self-imposed rule – that learning can only come from the expert, the teacher.  We sometimes still impose the idea that we control everything.  That we are the center of learning simply to boost our stature or feelings of self-worth.

Alexis’ takeaway #3

You feel a little bit like a nuisance all day long.

I lost count of how many times we were told be quiet and pay attention. It’s normal to do so – teachers have a set amount of time and we need to use it wisely. But in shadowing, throughout the day, you start to feel sorry for the students who are told over and over again to pay attention because you understand part of what they are reacting to is sitting and listening all day. It’s really hard to do, and not something we ask adults to do day in and out. Think back to a multi-day conference or long PD day you had and remember that feeling by the end of the day – that need to just disconnect, break free, go for a run, chat with a friend, or surf the web and catch up on emails. That is how students often feel in our classes, not because we are boring per se but because they have been sitting and listening most of the day already. They have had enough.

In addition, there was a good deal of sarcasm and snark directed at students and I recognized, uncomfortably, how much I myself have engaged in this kind of communication. I would become near apoplectic last year whenever a very challenging class of mine would take a test, and without fail, several students in a row would ask the same question about the test. Each time I would stop the class and address it so everyone could hear it. Nevertheless, a few minutes later a student who had clearly been working his way through the test and not attentive to my announcement would ask the same question again. A few students would laugh along as I made a big show of rolling my eyes and drily stating, “OK, once again, let me explain…”

Of course it feels ridiculous to have to explain the same thing five times, but suddenly, when I was the one taking the tests, I was stressed. I was anxious. I had questions. And if the person teaching answered those questions by rolling their eyes at me, I would never want to ask another question again. I feel a great deal more empathy for students after shadowing, and I realize that sarcasm, impatience, and annoyance are a way of creating a barrier between me and them. They do not help learning.

My takeaway (based on my observation during my classes)

We teachers are certainly guilty of such sarcasm more often than not.  I can only imagine how we rolled our eyes (or maybe some other acts showing disgust) to those who we feel have not been listening or attentive enough to ask us the same question.  I believe we need to be reminded of the word empathy.  Let’s be keen enough to identify with and understand somebody else’s feelings or difficulties.  That way, we set up a freeway to learning.

I find the shadowing thing an awakening for all of us teachers.  Alexis Wiggins has paved the way for us to better understand our students now and to be more empathic to their daily predicaments in going to class.  We don’t need to break our time-tested teaching strategies, we simply need to bend those old tricks a little and help our students say that going to school is never a difficulty after all.

The Wait

Six years suddenly happened like it was only yesterday.  You might just be running around while i run out of patience.

And sooner than i can see, i think i will just have to whistle against the wind  so you will hear my longing telling you to stop at that place i have intentionally dropped some tears for a mark.

Come now my dearly beloved. I have graciously gathered many a courage to fool myself you are just some prayers away...

  

Living a Life of Healthy Relationships

We are made to live with others. This means that no matter what, we have to get along with the rest of our kind, otherwise we lose value of the design our Creator intended us to be.  And losing such value could mean depriving ourselves of the wonderful benefits healthy relationships bring.

Every relationship is meaningful.  No matter how trivial it may seem, it still has a meaning. In fact, Elizabeth Kubler Ross and David Kessler in their book Life Lessons articulated that there’s no such thing as an insignificant or accidental relationship.  According to them every meeting, encounter or exchange, with everyone from a spouse to an anonymous telephone operator, no matter how brief or profound, how positive, neutral, or painful, is meaningful. And in the grand scheme of things, according to them, every relationship is important for even the most trivial encounter with a passing stranger can teach us great deal about ourselves.  They stressed that every person we encounter holds the possibility of sending us to happiness, to a loving place in the mind, or to a place of struggle and unhappiness.

It is ideal to maintain a loving and a healthy relationship.  But the challenge of achieving it is far more difficult than any other task because dealing with people of varying personalities entails exceptional people skill. There is no relationship that is not shaken by challenges. We, at one time in our lives, experienced a broken relationship.  So how do we maintain a healthy relationship?

There are only two main culprits in destroying a relationship: giving offense or getting offended.  Without these two, relationships stand tall vigorous and harmonious.  But because we are people of differing standards and principles, we are vulnerable to offenses, giving or taking alike.

Luckily, Wayne Cordeiro, author of The Seven Rules of Success have identified three ways to maintain a healthy relationship, whether it is friendship, marriage, or family.  According to Wayne good relationships should begin with us.  We should be the one to water and nourish the relationship around us.  He underscores that when it comes to relationships, a crucial Rule of Success is :  GO FIRST!

Go First in Diffusing Anger

The most common reaction or feeling when we offend or get offended is for the other party or us to get angry.  It is clear that the common denominator is anger.  Wayne Cordeiro pointed out that a powerful life principle is accepting blame to rebuild a broken relationship.  He added that who is truly at fault is not the issue and that for healing to begin, anger had to be diffused.  According to him this principle moves us from the problem side of the equation to the solution side and that taking the blame doesn’t mean one is guilty but one initiates the diffusing of anger so that healing can begin.  When we take responsibility to accept the blame even if we are not at fault, we simmer down the fire of anger and we start the best move of restoring the broken relationship.

Go first in speaking words that Heal

By the time anger is diffused, we don’t expect instant healing of the offense.  This is where words play a crucial role.  Words according to Wayne Cordeiro carry a great power to either kill or bring life and that words can turn a healthy relationship sour or a soured relationship back to health.  It is now our chance to speed up the healing by infusing the shaky relationship with words that bring back life. Talk nicely.  Revive the wounded relationship with kind and caring words sealed with genuine intention.

Go First in doing Good

While the first two steps are already part of doing good, this last step talks about overcoming evil by doing good.  Wayne Cordeiro is serious when he underscored that being silent or being neutral does not overcome evil; evil can only be reversed by an action of goodness.  It is repealed by an act of kindness and annulled by unexpected gift-giving, according to him.  The rule, as Cordeiro stressed, is to never withhold and draw back but to continue giving gifts of encouragement.  He added that a powerful Rule of Success is gift-giving because it impedes the intrusion of evil, inhibits the erosion of life, and initiates fruitfulness. He further articulated that the test of gift-giving is not when things are going well but is best applied as a catalyst for healing when things are not going well.

Relationships are made to last.  Only if we choose to. We may not rebuild what was broken instantaneously but we should in the right time  

Choose to live with happiness.  Choose to live free from unnecessary baggage of resentment. Life is beautiful when you choose it to be so.

Christmassy Bits and Pieces

I usually put up my Christmas tree as early as September. And why not? With the huge cost involved in putting up all those Christmas symbols, isn’t it just right to feast on such a spectacle for, well, just a short period anyway... uhhmmm over 4 months lol! I started putting up Christmas trees 3 years ago. And since then, I have always looked forward with exhilaration the yearly tradition of dressing up this little thing. To spice things up, I make it a point that each year has different inspiration and color theme.  This draws anticipation for friends and relatives who visit my place during Christmas season.



I started in 2011 with the traditional Christmas colors of red and green and gold. I made use of the poinsettias and some golden leaves.

Then in 2012 I came up with earth colored theme. I focused on the gold and silver inspiration. Embellished with feathers i painted in gold, I separated the copper toned balls at the lowest part of the tree.

 

And just last year, I decided to have a custom-made Christmas tree highlighted with crystals, blue and green theme. I spray-painted my tree with silver. I systematically arranged the balls according to size and sporadically according to colors. Big balls at the bottom and smaller ones at the top.

This year is another challenge to look forward to.  and as September approaches, all i need is to tickle my imagination to ignite that inner artistry with a little pinch of creativity... hmmm am excited!

THE INEVITABILITY OF AGING

Is aging inevitable?  I believe it is.

Aging becomes a major issue in our lives at one point—or many times, in fact, to some.  To some people, aging means senility, ill health or even death. The idea of us getting old is always a concern that prompts us to put in huge amount of money if only to reverse the process or to stay fresh and young all the time.  We are always terrified at the idea of us losing that splendour, that magnificence.

And while different business entities have come up with what they claim as the answer to aging, we become unnerved to getting the right potion for our dream to eternal youthfulness.  Beauty cream producers have always gotten us in their pockets.  And who does not fall victim of their drama when everyone rushes to believe the promise of staying young? We all do. We always do.

Aging to some would mean losing that marketability factor. We become less attractive thus making us last in line as far as viability is concerned.  We panic when at our late thirties we are still single or have not experienced yet having a partner.  In our forties we become crazy when a rivalry for a crush is between us and  a twenty something. Hmmm unless we are rich and we use our money to lure our prospect lol...  but that can only aggravate our insecurities right?

So how do we deal with this scary thing???

Deepak Chopra author of Ageless Body Timeless Mind says AWARENESS has the power to change aging and because it can both heal and destroy, the difference lies in how our awareness becomes conditioned or trained.  He added that although awareness gets programmed in various ways, the most convincing according to him are what we call beliefs. Belief is different from a thought. It is deeper and is more powerful. 

Deepak Chopra’s point is that our outlook in aging is most of the time programmed by what we experience in life.  For instance, if we are surrounded with people who believe that by reaching the retirement age they can just sit down by their rocking chair waiting for their deathbed, we probably might not consciously see ourselves winding up like them, but the truth is we are on the verge of duplicating how they age by unconsciously adopting their beliefs.  We probably might lose our control of the aging process by losing touch with our own awareness.

Aging according to Deepak as a whole is a vicious circle.  When someone expects to be withdrawn, isolated, and useless at a certain age (feels disgruntled over the appearance of wrinkles; feels afraid with the thought of growing old alone, etc...) he creates the very condition that justifies his belief.  When we are trapped in the consciousness of negativity, we can always create a new mode of awareness. By doing so we focus on the positive side and we alter the aging process.

Our awareness simply starts with a thought.  Once we understand that what we think becomes what we believe in, we start to become very careful of what we think about.  Wayne Dyer in her book  There’s  A Spiritual solution to Every Problem puts it nicely when she said “When you put your thought energy on your intentions with passion you ultimately act upon those thoughts and you are bound to attract what you are thinking about into your life.”

If we think our chronological age is what we really are, we become what it is.  So if we are 50 years old and we think, we act , and we feel as 50 years old we will look just as old as a 50 year old would look like.  But if we say we are 50 yet we think, we act and feel like we are still in our late 30’s people will simply wonder how we are able to maintain that youthful glow amid the years that pass by.  Our awareness is triggered by our thoughts and what we deeply put in our consciousness is what our belief system becomes.

When we see people that don’t look their age we sometimes reason out that it is because of their genes.  And science tells us that genes really has something to do with that. But what I see is the belief system that is passed through from generation to generation.  Remember that the people that surround us influence greatly our belief system.  So if you are surrounded by people of positivity, we inherit that positivity and incorporate it to our own belief system and we simply become like them.

Patty (not her real name), a friend of mine in her late 50’s still looks and feels she is in her late 30’s. She said she’s like her mother  who died at the age of 89 yet still looked like 65.  She recalled how her mother  was so conscious of her beauty regimen that even in her hospital bed she still managed to apply her facial moisturizing cream.  Patty claims she has her mother’s genes. But what she really inherited as far as I can analyze apart from the genes is her mother’s belief system.  And part of that belief is caring for one’s skin.  Patty believes on the power of moisturizing creams to delay the aging process. And as she believes so shall it happens.  Yet the most effective anti-aging regimen she consciously applies is the awareness of having a positive outlook.  True enough, when you are with her, her cheerfulness and vivacity will surely affect you.

The principle that states as you think so shall you be becomes our powerful weapon to combat the issue of aging.  Think young, act young and live young.  Reinforcing our belief system with thoughts of what we really want is vital in our battle to combat this issue.  Even if we consume barrels of beauty products that give the promise of eternal youth yet live a life of negativity, stress and constant worry we are doomed to age dreadfully.

As Deepak Chopra puts it “By increasing someone’s awareness, bringing it into a new focus and breaking out old patterns, you can alter aging.”

So, is aging inevitable? I don’t think so.

Yes we certainly will age.  But we can delay it and we can age gracefully.